The beginning

I have been doing some soul searching lately because it felt like I lost a part of myself along the way. I look back to the person I was and compare it to whom I am today and it is worlds apart.

So maybe by reading this you can relate to the process I am going through or if you have gone through a similar thing you can share it with me. I also decided to document this process because one of the biggest things I have learned these last few days is that it helps to share and talk to people. You then realise that you are not alone and you get the best advice from places you never expected.
In order to do soul searching we should probably start at the beginning and work our way up. When I was young for some reason I was hiding away from the world. I used to play on my own and not really take part in sport or school events. It was only in the last two years of high school when I actually started opening up and it was a wonderful experience. One of the things I did when I was on school was drama, it was amazing because for the hour or so that you are on stage you are a different person.

It starts off with you being extremely nervous to go on stage in the first place and the anticipation is nerve wrecking. Then you go out and the adrenalin rush is wonderful because you transform into someone else. You feel that person’s emotions and you transpose it on to others. The energy in the room is breath taking and for that moment in time it feels like you can fly, and that nothing in life is impossible. It is a sense of freedom that you cannot imagine or explain, almost as if you are jumping out of a plane. Afterwards when you are done you have this immense relieve because everything is over and it was a success.

Growing up I had a loving family, we all were and are still very close. But love does not really pay the bills and at some stage it was tough growing up because you had to make peace with the fact that you cannot have it all and you cannot have what others have. Coming from such difficult circumstances I decided that that is not the life I want for myself and I am going to work hard to have enough to life comfortably. With that being said to have a dream of becoming a famous actor or performer does not really fit in the picture as that would be something beyond your control. So I decided let’s take the sensible root and become an auditor.

At that stage it was a decision that made the most sense because my parents could not look after me while I pursue a career in acting or performing. I stuck to my decision and I finished studying and I got a fairly decent job and I can afford most things. I was not rich but I had enough to live fairly comfortably.

But the human brain is a strange thing because no matter how deep you try and hide a part of yourself one day that part is going to resurface and then you need to deal with it. So here I am now this wannabe actor who wants his time in the lime light; what now? You cannot pack up your entire life and get on a plane to a different country and pursue a career which you have no control over. You would waste all the time and effort you’ve put in to become who you are today. You would have to give up the level of comfort that you are used to and start all over again and the problem is if you fail you would have to start over again for the second time.

What do you do? Have you ever heard that expression that “Rome was not built in one day”? Well it is true. Start off with small changes, go to an agency and get acting classes and see if you have the talent or not because it is one thing to have a dream and another to have the talent to make a success thereof.

Then take part in competitions and I am sure if it was meant to be you will get a break somewhere and you will make a success of it because you are meant to succeed and you are meant to be happy and to have it all. If you were not meant to be happy on earth then it would not be life it would be hell. Just remember one thing: You cannot win the lotto if you do not buy a ticket. So if you want something badly, and by saying something I do not mean someone, then you need to take that leap of faith and you need to put an action plan in place in order to make it happen. We have all been truly blessed to be able to experience life, you just need to let go of your worldly desires and focus on what makes you happy and give it to yourself. What you own and who you are with will not give you happiness. I have come to a point in my life where it doesn’t matter what I drive or where I stay, as long as I do not have excessive debt and I have fulfilment in life then I am happy.

I hope you have a blessed and lovely day and that happiness will overcome you.

Hope

I look around me and all I see are people that go on with their daily lives without question. Not questioning why I am here, is there something better out there for me and why go through all this in the first place. And I wonder; why am I so different that I question everything in my life? I questioned my religion, my upbringing and family, my sexuality and lately my purpose.

It is good to question things because then it means that you are actually thinking about what you do and not just doing it for the sake of doing. I recently wondered why I am on earth. If I die in the end why not end this now and end this stupid game. But there is a purpose for you on this earth which none of us know. All I know is that for some reason I need to be here, a reason that I may never find out because if there was no reason for me to be here why was I created in the first place.

I had discussions with a few of my friends to try and find a reason for me to still be alive and I have come to realise that first of all we all need something to believe in, be it a religion, science or a lack of religion. This gives us purpose, a reason to live. For some it is the fear of dying and going to a place that is much worse than the one we are currently on and for others it is the HOPE of ending up in a place much better then what we are experiencing now. And for others the mere science of it all is enough.

Life is a gift whether you like the gift or not and you need to make the best of it. The wonderful thing about life is that you make your own choices. If you are unhappy with something in your life then make the change. Find joy in the little things that makes you happy. I used to dance in my underwear in front of the mirror every morning just to cheer me up and it worked. You cannot imagine what difference such a small thing makes.

What I suggest you do is go and sit down and think of what you can do to make you happy and then do it. You are meant to enjoy life and to have all that your heart desires. But with that said you need to be thankful for what you have in order to receive more. You cannot get desert if you did not finish your vegetables.

I hope that if you have a sense of emptiness inside you that this message would bring you some comfort.   

A million questions

I recently watched a movie called “I am number 4” which
triggered something in my brain that I cannot explain. It is almost as if the
little organ in my brain producing happy hormones was turned off as I was
unhappy with everything. It sounds very neurotic I know.

I started looking at my life, which is something I do from
time to time, and I started listing things that firstly I was unhappy with
which I have resolved, secondly things I was unhappy with which I haven’t
resolved and lastly things that I think I might be missing in my life.

The things I was unhappy with and resolved was: I was not
staying on my own and I was paying a house which I did not have full use off,
my house was in a bad state, I was renting out my garden cottage to people that
did not look after the place (they were violent and they abused my water and electricity),
I did not like the car I was driving and lastly I was not really happy at my
current work.

Well in the end I moved in to my garden cottage after I
fixed it up, I renovated my house and I now have decent tenants in my house, I
got a new job that is more senior and I bought a new car. You would think that
I would be happy but still there was something missing.

Then I started thinking about things that I was unhappy with
which I did not resolve and I couldn’t really think of something. I considered
moving to Cape Town and live by the coast but that is not causing this feeling (this
void) that I am feeling.

So I started thinking of what could be missing in my life. A
life partner, I don’t know, I don’t think it is that. How can I commit to
someone when I am not even sure where I want to stay or what I want to do for
the rest of my life? All I know for certain is that I do not want to do what I
am currently doing. I thought about my family and they are also not the reason
because I have been blessed with a wonderful and loving family who supports me
and accepts me for who I am, even though I am gay.

The only thing I could come up with is that I wanted to be a
super hero or have super powers. Coming back to the movie; the main character
was this cute guy that was not human and he could move things with energy that
he generates through his hands, he could also destroy things with the
disbursement of energy coming out of his hands which is very cool but unnatural
and not humanly possible.

This feeling is insane;
it is something that I will never be able to achieve. Now I think that the
super hero idea might be a sign of whatever is missing in my life or maybe I
have a medical condition I don’t know. Then I thought the only way of becoming a
super hero is to become an actor because they can make me one. However being an
actor is not entirely what I want to be. It would mean that I would have to
give up all I know, my family, my friends, my belongings and my country. I
would have to venture out in the unknown to New York and try and achieve
something that is extremely difficult to achieve for someone living in America
let alone someone from the outside with an Afrikaans accent. And if I do
achieve it I will never have privacy again and I might end up alone and more
depressed.

What now? I found a way to obtain what is missing in my life
and I don’t want to do it. I am too afraid to go down that avenue because I am
not sure if being a famous actor is what I really want.

I tried to focus on what I need to be thankful for and hoped
the empty feeling will go away and that I will be sure that I am where I need
to be and I am achieving what I am meant to achieve.

I believe that we all have a purpose in life and I would
like to leave a legacy behind when I am gone. I looked at people that had less
than I did, I saw people begging at robots and an old man driving his beat up
car and I thought of what my parents achieved. I thought about people working
as domestic workers and as petrol attendants, people doing their same old
boring job for 30 years. They are happy with what they have or they were able
to make peace with the fact that they will never have more. Do they not
question their being here and their circumstances?

Who decides what we can and cannot have? I did not choose my
upbringing; I did not choose to be gay or to struggle financially. Why are there
some people that have so much and others that have the world? With that said
why are some people so happy with the little they have and others that have the
world feel empty and sad? What is happiness? Is that not what we want to
achieve in life?



We cannot choose the way we come in to this world and how we
are brought up, but we can choose what we do with our life. We need to focus on
what makes us happy even though it might be you being a stripper at a strip
club. I am still looking for happiness, if only it came in a bottle. I think
that maybe there is a creative side of me that is not stimulated and it is
screaming to come out of the closet.



I think my action plan is going to be changing small things
in my life and trying to experience complete new things, maybe try modelling or
Idols, go for pole dancing lessons or try amateur acting.



I am leaving you with this last message: I truly hope that
you find happiness and if you do tell me what happiness is and how to achieve
it. If you cannot find happiness then let’s hope that it finds us.



Please feel free to message me your comments and ideas, I
would love to hear them.